Breast implant redux

The FDA's recent decision to allow silicone breast implants back on the market has tort reformers buzzing about the travesty of the $3.2 billion settlement between Dow Corning and some 170,000 women who sued the company alleging that its silicone implants caused caused a variety of ailments, particularly autoimmune and connective tissue disorders. Dow settled the suits in bankruptcy court in 1998, a few years after the implants were pulled off the market.

Now, critics of the litigation suggest that the FDA's decision means silicone boobs are perfectly safe, that everyone should run out and get a pair, and that Dow should get its money back. But take a look at this patient brochure from Mentor, the manufacturer of one of the new implants now making their way into women's chests.

Clearly trying to head off future lawsuits, the company lays out all the horrible, predictable and frequent complications of their products--and mind you, these are the ones that aren't in dispute the way connective tissue disease has been.

Anyone getting a set of silicone D-cups will face a lifetime of surgical complications, which will start within the first three years of their insertion. Twinkies have a longer shelf-life! Implantees will need regular MRI screenings for "silent rupture," which will cause the silicone to leak and most likely end up in their lymph nodes, which then will need removing. One of most common causes of implant rupture? Mammograms, which also will be less effective in finding tumors. All these benefits, plus the company helpfully notes, getting silicone implants may prompt your health insurance company to drop you. Given that this is the manufacturer talking, not some lefty feminist group, I hope the brochure persuades at least some women to just opt for a Miracle Bra.